Yup. The King of Swords again. Hey, I’m not going to bullshit or fix the card flips. I missed a few days of daily pulls (sorry sorrrrryyyyy!) so this is the next card that I flipped. Let’s look at the card a little deeper and try and wrangle some more understanding from it.
The King is holding his sword straight up into the air. He’s not actively trying to stab anyone with it, but the sword is definitely not sheathed. And on his left hand he wears a ring. Hmmm…
I like the idea of the power of intellect being something that you should not sheath. Be strong in your intelligence. It may pay off for you.
I still can’t get over the proportions of this card. The king looks huge, and his vestments look like a waterfall. Water in tarot often reflects wisdom or understanding. He’s like the spring from which all understanding sprouts.
His face is almost emotionless. I think this card is asking us to stop being such crybabies about everything and just use our brains for once.
Shit, it’s not bad advice, is it?
So, in summation, shut up crybaby.

Yup. The King of Swords again. Hey, I’m not going to bullshit or fix the card flips. I missed a few days of daily pulls (sorry sorrrrryyyyy!) so this is the next card that I flipped. Let’s look at the card a little deeper and try and wrangle some more understanding from it.

The King is holding his sword straight up into the air. He’s not actively trying to stab anyone with it, but the sword is definitely not sheathed. And on his left hand he wears a ring. Hmmm…

I like the idea of the power of intellect being something that you should not sheath. Be strong in your intelligence. It may pay off for you.

I still can’t get over the proportions of this card. The king looks huge, and his vestments look like a waterfall. Water in tarot often reflects wisdom or understanding. He’s like the spring from which all understanding sprouts.

His face is almost emotionless. I think this card is asking us to stop being such crybabies about everything and just use our brains for once.

Shit, it’s not bad advice, is it?

So, in summation, shut up crybaby.

From Tuesday, April 17 
KING OF SWORDS. This guy’s the real stiff of the tarot deck. Today, be like the king of swords. Be just, and noble, and all that saccharine good-guy bullshit. Who knows, maybe for once telling the truth and not being a total rat could benefit you!
So the thing about the King, about every king in the Rider-Waite taort deck, is that he’s the embodiment of the suit he represents. So he is the embodiment of all the good things about the Swords suit. He’s non-wavering, quick to action, etc.
CARD ANALYSIS: Look at that stone faced killa! Sword in his hand, sitting on a plain throne. He’s all about the law, dude. No thrills, no frills. He looks stern but not unkind. Also, perspective is warped in this card, and he looks taller than those trees. Ahhh! Giant sword-wielding King! Run!
So, in summation, act honorably for one day in your damn life, okay?

KING OF SWORDS. This guy’s the real stiff of the tarot deck. Today, be like the king of swords. Be just, and noble, and all that saccharine good-guy bullshit. Who knows, maybe for once telling the truth and not being a total rat could benefit you!

So the thing about the King, about every king in the Rider-Waite taort deck, is that he’s the embodiment of the suit he represents. So he is the embodiment of all the good things about the Swords suit. He’s non-wavering, quick to action, etc.

CARD ANALYSIS: Look at that stone faced killa! Sword in his hand, sitting on a plain throne. He’s all about the law, dude. No thrills, no frills. He looks stern but not unkind. Also, perspective is warped in this card, and he looks taller than those trees. Ahhh! Giant sword-wielding King! Run!

So, in summation, act honorably for one day in your damn life, okay?

Wheel of Fortune. WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!!!! Call Pat and Vanna, it’s time to spin for your life. So today’s pull is the wheel of fortune, check it out. It looks good.
It’s funny, a lot of these initial Daily Pulls I’ve been doing are all about change, points of change, and new directions. Maybe you and I are stuck right now? Shit, son, I know I am. But the wheel of fortune card means it’s time to take a damn step back and look at the twisting nature of fate.
Don’t believe in fate? Fine, I’m kind of like “fuck fate” myself! But there is a definite role that chance plays in our lives. If I walk out on the street one second too late because I’m not looking and listening to some dope jams, then yeah, I’m gonna get crushed by that car. Or what if I pick up a scratch off ticket at the luckiest weirdest time and win a cool hundo? Rad!
The Wheel of Fortune says there’s more to life than the plans you make, and I can get behind that. You’ve got to give a little wiggle room in your life or your life will never wiggle. If you ride the wheel of fortune you may end up liking the vibrations between your thighs, you know?
CARD ANALYSIS: Or you could ride the wheel of fortune like Anubis is doing on the card. Look at that sexy orange bastard with the wheel between his buttcheeks. He gets it. The big thing about this card is that it’s up in the clouds. The role of chance in our lives isn’t necessarily above us, but it is definitely separate from us. I also always thing you can judge the general mood of a card by its colors. Here we see light clouds, a blue sky, and figures in “cheerful” colors like gold, blue and orange. This is not a negative card, it’s just… unwieldy.
So, in summation, go with the muthafuckin’ flow today. And if a big and wild change comes your way? Ride that change… ride it between your buttcheeks.

Wheel of Fortune. WHEEL! OF! FORTUNE!!!! Call Pat and Vanna, it’s time to spin for your life. So today’s pull is the wheel of fortune, check it out. It looks good.

It’s funny, a lot of these initial Daily Pulls I’ve been doing are all about change, points of change, and new directions. Maybe you and I are stuck right now? Shit, son, I know I am. But the wheel of fortune card means it’s time to take a damn step back and look at the twisting nature of fate.

Don’t believe in fate? Fine, I’m kind of like “fuck fate” myself! But there is a definite role that chance plays in our lives. If I walk out on the street one second too late because I’m not looking and listening to some dope jams, then yeah, I’m gonna get crushed by that car. Or what if I pick up a scratch off ticket at the luckiest weirdest time and win a cool hundo? Rad!

The Wheel of Fortune says there’s more to life than the plans you make, and I can get behind that. You’ve got to give a little wiggle room in your life or your life will never wiggle. If you ride the wheel of fortune you may end up liking the vibrations between your thighs, you know?

CARD ANALYSIS: Or you could ride the wheel of fortune like Anubis is doing on the card. Look at that sexy orange bastard with the wheel between his buttcheeks. He gets it. The big thing about this card is that it’s up in the clouds. The role of chance in our lives isn’t necessarily above us, but it is definitely separate from us. I also always thing you can judge the general mood of a card by its colors. Here we see light clouds, a blue sky, and figures in “cheerful” colors like gold, blue and orange. This is not a negative card, it’s just… unwieldy.

So, in summation, go with the muthafuckin’ flow today. And if a big and wild change comes your way? Ride that change… ride it between your buttcheeks.

Death! Oh shit, this means you’re gonna die!
Just kidding! It just means major change that you can’t control. Don’t sweat it, let that scary-ass skeleton on a white horse take you on to the next chapter in your life. Maybe you hate your job but you don’t have the guts to quit. Well, the Death card says you may just get fired soon anyway, so go ahead and quit before they get the last laugh.
Here’s a shitty parable: A man lived in Tornado Alley all his life. He feared the Tornadoes but was never threatened by them. Then one day the newscasters said there was a likely chance of his neighborhood getting clocked by a Tornado, so he packed up and moved away. Then the Tornado found his forwarding address and came to his new house in Miami and knocked his house down and flung him out to sea. As he swam back to shore he was eaten whole by a whale, and there, in the whale’s belly, he met Janice, and they’ve been married and living happily in their new condo in Miami (funded by the man’s insurance on his lost house).
CARD ANALYSIS: They drew this card to scare you. But it isn’t all bad. Sure, Death looks like the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. And sure, his horse has RED EYES (WTF). And sure, there are dead people lying all around the horse. But the Pope is there, and in the distance a sun is rising (or setting) between two pillars. Enter through the pillars, they are the gateway to the next step in your life. You can’t control everything, and sometimes major upheaval is good for your complexion.
So, in summation, ride the wave of life, baby! (and always go soulmate shopping in the belly of a whale)

Death! Oh shit, this means you’re gonna die!

Just kidding! It just means major change that you can’t control. Don’t sweat it, let that scary-ass skeleton on a white horse take you on to the next chapter in your life. Maybe you hate your job but you don’t have the guts to quit. Well, the Death card says you may just get fired soon anyway, so go ahead and quit before they get the last laugh.

Here’s a shitty parable: A man lived in Tornado Alley all his life. He feared the Tornadoes but was never threatened by them. Then one day the newscasters said there was a likely chance of his neighborhood getting clocked by a Tornado, so he packed up and moved away. Then the Tornado found his forwarding address and came to his new house in Miami and knocked his house down and flung him out to sea. As he swam back to shore he was eaten whole by a whale, and there, in the whale’s belly, he met Janice, and they’ve been married and living happily in their new condo in Miami (funded by the man’s insurance on his lost house).

CARD ANALYSIS: They drew this card to scare you. But it isn’t all bad. Sure, Death looks like the scariest thing I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. And sure, his horse has RED EYES (WTF). And sure, there are dead people lying all around the horse. But the Pope is there, and in the distance a sun is rising (or setting) between two pillars. Enter through the pillars, they are the gateway to the next step in your life. You can’t control everything, and sometimes major upheaval is good for your complexion.

So, in summation, ride the wave of life, baby! (and always go soulmate shopping in the belly of a whale)

Ace of Pentacles. Now’s the time, you nervous little shit. Aces are big deals in the world of Tarot. They’re kind of like the distillation of everything the suit (Wands, Cups, Swords, Pentacles) represents. For Pentacles, that means taking all your thoughts and plans and actions and seeing a tangible result from them. So today is a day of seeing some results and using your money. You’re not sure if you should spend money on that thing you need today? You should. Today you’re going to experience some growth (hey now). You may even come into the money you need to get that project rolling. Today could be a good fucking day, dude.
CARD ANALYSIS: Imagine if you went outside into your garland-laden backyard and you saw a giant hand holding a giant gold coin above your rose patch. Holy shit, right? This is supposed to be simple in its meaning. Here are the funds you need, and below all of your vegetation is flourishing.
So, in summation, If you get what you need today…USE IT!

Ace of Pentacles. Now’s the time, you nervous little shit. Aces are big deals in the world of Tarot. They’re kind of like the distillation of everything the suit (Wands, Cups, Swords, Pentacles) represents. For Pentacles, that means taking all your thoughts and plans and actions and seeing a tangible result from them. So today is a day of seeing some results and using your money. You’re not sure if you should spend money on that thing you need today? You should. Today you’re going to experience some growth (hey now). You may even come into the money you need to get that project rolling. Today could be a good fucking day, dude.

CARD ANALYSIS: Imagine if you went outside into your garland-laden backyard and you saw a giant hand holding a giant gold coin above your rose patch. Holy shit, right? This is supposed to be simple in its meaning. Here are the funds you need, and below all of your vegetation is flourishing.

So, in summation, If you get what you need today…USE IT!

Yep. True Magic.

Oh man, look at the spread on Spidey! This is actually a totally legit spread. And I could go step by step on this celtic cross, but let’s just look at his 1st and 2nd cards… they’re the one’s on his junk.
His first card is obscured by the second one. The first card is the heart of the matter, and it’s the major arcana JUSTICE card. Which means pretty much exactly what the title says (DUH) and is “at the heart of matters” for spider-man. So, yep. The second card, the one blocking JUSTICE, is the THREE OF SWORDS. Which is three swords going through a heart and can mean heartbreak, etc.! Mary Jane, why you always getting in the way of justice!?
FUN.

Oh man, look at the spread on Spidey! This is actually a totally legit spread. And I could go step by step on this celtic cross, but let’s just look at his 1st and 2nd cards… they’re the one’s on his junk.

His first card is obscured by the second one. The first card is the heart of the matter, and it’s the major arcana JUSTICE card. Which means pretty much exactly what the title says (DUH) and is “at the heart of matters” for spider-man. So, yep. The second card, the one blocking JUSTICE, is the THREE OF SWORDS. Which is three swords going through a heart and can mean heartbreak, etc.! Mary Jane, why you always getting in the way of justice!?

FUN.

Eight of Cups. Maybe today’s the day you finally break up with him. Maybe today’s the day she finally breaks up with you. Maybe today’s the day you walk in to work, clock in, and say “wait a minute, I fucking hate it here!” That’s what this card is all about. It’s not about that first moment when shit starts to go bad, it’s about when enough is e-goddamn-nough! And there’s nothing left to do but turn your back on the situation and walk away.
CARD ANALYSIS: Look at this dude, swathed in red, hobbling away on a cane. His cups (which could stand for his hopes, ideas, etc.) lay stacked and create a sort of wall against which he can’t pass. Does he feel sorry for himself? Maybe (the characters in these cards tend toward self-pity and martyrdom) but even the moon’s looking down on him like “damn, dude, you got to move on.”
So, in summation, Damn, Dude, You got to move on.

Eight of Cups. Maybe today’s the day you finally break up with him. Maybe today’s the day she finally breaks up with you. Maybe today’s the day you walk in to work, clock in, and say “wait a minute, I fucking hate it here!” That’s what this card is all about. It’s not about that first moment when shit starts to go bad, it’s about when enough is e-goddamn-nough! And there’s nothing left to do but turn your back on the situation and walk away.

CARD ANALYSIS: Look at this dude, swathed in red, hobbling away on a cane. His cups (which could stand for his hopes, ideas, etc.) lay stacked and create a sort of wall against which he can’t pass. Does he feel sorry for himself? Maybe (the characters in these cards tend toward self-pity and martyrdom) but even the moon’s looking down on him like “damn, dude, you got to move on.”

So, in summation, Damn, Dude, You got to move on.

The Four of Swords. Hey, buddy, chill the fuck out. That’s what today’s card (which we’re getting in JUST under the wire) is all about. And you know what? Fuck the fact that I’m posting this card at 11:59pm, because that’s the whole damn  point of this card.
Sometimes it sucks to stop moving, sometimes it sucks to really think things through, but guess what, you big baby, you have to! Relax for one damn second.
Take some time to heal, lick your wounds, get better. Are you feeling sick? Don’t go to work and get everyone else sick, you asshole.
CARD ANALYSIS:
The cool figure at the bottom of this card is one of two things, it’s either a rad knight taking a little nap, or it’s one of those amazing old tombs where a statue of the dead person was carved on top of the slate coffin. If it’s the former, this card is telling you that even warriors and knights and men with beautiful flowing hair need time to relax. If it’s the latter, it means that an awesome calming yellow light is beaming down on the coffin. And the coffin kind of looks open. In this sleep of death etc. etc. etc.
Either way, relax, slow down, play dead.
So in summation: CHILL, homegirl.

The Four of Swords. Hey, buddy, chill the fuck out. That’s what today’s card (which we’re getting in JUST under the wire) is all about. And you know what? Fuck the fact that I’m posting this card at 11:59pm, because that’s the whole damn  point of this card.

Sometimes it sucks to stop moving, sometimes it sucks to really think things through, but guess what, you big baby, you have to! Relax for one damn second.

Take some time to heal, lick your wounds, get better. Are you feeling sick? Don’t go to work and get everyone else sick, you asshole.

CARD ANALYSIS:

The cool figure at the bottom of this card is one of two things, it’s either a rad knight taking a little nap, or it’s one of those amazing old tombs where a statue of the dead person was carved on top of the slate coffin. If it’s the former, this card is telling you that even warriors and knights and men with beautiful flowing hair need time to relax. If it’s the latter, it means that an awesome calming yellow light is beaming down on the coffin. And the coffin kind of looks open. In this sleep of death etc. etc. etc.

Either way, relax, slow down, play dead.

So in summation: CHILL, homegirl.